mostroyal.com

Things are Royally F'ed and I can't take it any more.

Avis: Rent A Crap

I rented a car from Avis last weekend. Today I received a survey. I love filling out surveys; sadly this one was a bit of a let down as it really just listed a bunch of crap for me to rate on a 1-7 scale.

Thankfully, there were a few areas where I could express my viewpoints.

I copied and pasted them here for you to enjoy. Not that you really enjoy this stuff. Seriously, if you are reading my survey answers and getting enjoyment you have problems.

Please indicate if any of the following issues influenced your rating of the rental car you received:

Did not receive the type of car you reserved.
I specifically did not want a Ford Focus. Guess what I received?

Unhappy with the make/model of the car you received.
Ford Focus is the worst & most uncomfortable car ever. I swear, my spine is actually bruised. Also, horrid radio reception compared to other cars we have rented.

The rental car was not comfortable.
The Ford Focus is a torture device. I’d rather sit on a pile of sharp rocks for 8 hours.

Ford Focus, 2009

Now, this is what I have to ask you – strangers with nothing better to do than read my blog littered with the answers to SURVEYS I TOOK – What do you think of the Ford Focus?

Honestly, AVIS is really getting blamed for something that isn’t their fault. They didn’t design the Ford Focus. Sure, they decided to LOAD UP THE LOT WITH NOTHING BUT THE WORST CAR EVER; but, beyond that one simple and moronic business decision, I can’t really fault them.

Leave a comment and let me know what you think of the Ford Focus. Here is how I would sum it up, in haiku form.

Ford Focus: lacks foam.
Second-rate interior
Looks like a cheap toy.

Ford Focus Interior

No Comments by Jeff on July 13, 2010
filed in Technology
tagged , ,

Apple Computer

I was thinking about getting one of the new Macbooks and that lead me to look up information about the recycling program as I wanted to get rid of an old powerbook.

I read about the Opt-In policy for free recycling and realized that I had never been asked in the past when purchasing my new computers. Since Apple has been unfairly attacked over it’s environmental positions I realized that the simple act of asking people at checkout if they want to recycle, like the policy dictates, would really go a long way to creating good PR. But, it wasn’t happening to me. I was never being asked.

So, I wrote to Steve Jobs. He’s great; he wrote back in less than an hour.
Screen capture of our email exchange is below.

(Note: I sent this at 9:45 EST. The 6:45pm sent time is PST, where Steve is.)

I have to say, it feels really nice getting this reply. This was all I wanted. As a customer, Apple Fan Boy, and specifically as a shareholder I just wanted to know that Jobs read it and that Apple would try harder.

…My wife was hoping for a free iPad! Ha!

No Comments by Jeff on May 20, 2010
filed in People, Technology
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Meet your meat.

Hello Rocky Mountain Natural Meats,

When you say that your bison are fed grain and hay, what is the grain? Is it just a corn based product?

Also, how “free range” are the bison? I thought all bison herds were grass fed and free range. But, now that I have visited your website, I feel like your product is raised just as badly as beef cattle! I am let down by your products.

What are your plans for selling solely Grass Fed and Organic Bison meat?

I will be posting a copy of this email, and whatever response I get from you, on the website MostRoyal.com

Thank you,
Jeff

No Comments by Jeff on May 8, 2010
filed in Food
tagged , , ,

Cell Phone Spam [update 2]

Today I sent the following email to my state senators (Schumer and Gillibrand) and my local house rep (Velazquez). I also logged a formal complaint with the FCC.

Hello,

Today I received a spam text message on my mobile phone from:
702-541-1029

The message reads:
Do you owe $15,000+ to the IRS or STATE?  Our gov’t approved program can REDUCE back taxes by over 60%.  Reply “IRS” to see if you Qualify!
(optout,reply:out)

These types of spam messages need to stop.  Not only are they annoying, but it costs me money when I receive these messages.  This is the worst consumer rights violation I can imagine.  I have to pay to be harassed!  

While I filed a formal complaint with the FCC, it appears that these types of messages are not regulated by them.

I am wary of opting out via the method listed in the text message because it costs me money and because replying only confirms my receipt of the message and that my phone number exists.

The NY Times has reported about these messages, and how there is no real method of stopping them.
See the following link: http://pogue.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/06/12/how-to-block-cellphone-spam/

Please stop this from occurring.  This type of spam needs to be against the law. How will this be addressed? What can you do about it? I will be posting a copy of this email, along with any reply I get from you on my website MostRoyal.com.

I feel it is important for people to be aware of this problem and what you are doing to stop it.

Thank you for your time,
Jeff

UPDATE:
I got some paperwork in the mail from the FCC. I filled it out with all my compliant information and mailed it back… I’ll let you know if I hear anything else.

UPDATE #2
I got another one of these SMS messages last week. Make the torture stop!

No Comments by Jeff on April 4, 2010
filed in Blatant Scams
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ABC News Website Feedback

ABCNEWS.COM has an area to give feedback. I couldn’t help myself…

A perfect example of the annoying adverts on ABCNews.com. Note how the volume is on max by default.

No Comments by Jeff on March 30, 2010
filed in Uncategorized

NY Times: Popcorn’s Dark Secret

Today I sent this letter to the editor of the New York Times. Yeah, I know the article in question was written in November of 2009. That doesn’t make it any less wrong.

In her article, “Popcorn’s Dark Secret,” Karen Barrow glosses over the most important news.

She writes, “The medium size popcorn, which comes in a bag, contains the same amount as the large.”

WTF?

The medium contains the same amount as the large? Forget the bucket, If I am going to choke down 1,200 fatty and salty calories I might as well save $0.75.

I think that the issue between the sizes is a more important angle than a rehashed thesis on how bad theater popcorn is. Anytime you eat a BUCKET of ANYTHING it’s bad for you.

Portion control is a simple option that many people undertake. The fact that the Medium contains the “SAME AMOUNT” is the real wool being pulled over the public’s eyes.

Not only is it disingenuous for theaters to suggest that you are consuming less, it’s a money making scam. Most people will upgrade the few cents from the Medium to the Large because they figure it is a better value, especially when going to the theater with kids. It appears that value is not real, unless the consumer partakes in the free refill. What percentage of the Bucket Faithful actually get the refill? That’s the story I want to know about. Two buckets? Now we are really talking about eating unhealthy.

We have known for decades that theater popcorn is bad. A better story would have been on portion sizes over the past 20 years and how the Bucket Scam is being used to make a few extra bucks.

Thank you for your time.
-Jeff
MostRoyal.com

No Comments by Jeff on March 19, 2010
filed in Food, News Media
tagged , , ,

King Size Snickers [updated 2]

King Size Snickers Two Piece

Snickers,
What have you done? The KING SIZE Snickers bar used to be one bar; but, you decided it was wise to break it into two smaller bars, reducing the size and forcing me to sit here and listen to my coworker whine, cry and complain about it. Seriously, he won’t shut up about it.

Do you realize that when you make these choices it doesn’t just hurt the people involved in eating your product, but those who must sit near them? He’s going on and on about how HUNGRY he still is, and how CHEATED he feels. It’s annoying and I blame you.

I know that your PR statement is that you have broken the KING SIZE bar into two pieces so that it can be shared or eaten over a longer period of time. This is a joke. If people wanted two we would just buy two REGULAR Snickers. Moreover, when my crybaby coworker goes to the vending machine at 3:30 in the afternoon he isn’t thinking about saving it for later. He rips into it like a raccoon violating a garbage bag at a campsite. Does this look like a resealable package to you?

And, if you expect this KING SIZE bar to be shared you are clearly lying to yourself. This is America. We don’t share things here. Hell, he ate the thing so damn fast I couldn’t even get a picture of the two small pieces he was whining about. KING SIZE means seven long inches you put in your mouth. That’s what my co-worker wants. Why won’t you give that to him?

If you think you are being altruistic by selling a “healthier” style of candy let me remind you of something. It’s Candy. Combined with the fact that (sadly) no one in this country apparently cares about Universal Health Care, it’s pretty clear to me that your reasons for changing your product are really just a smoke screen for one thing: Making Money.

You seriously cut the size of the KING SIZE bar. It is now 94 grams per bar with 440 calories. It used to weight 113 grams with 533 calories! You cut out 19 grams and 93 calories! Yet, you sell it for the same price. How much money do you save by doing this? I suspect it’s a lot.

I think your product is pretty awful to begin with. It would be nice if the chocolate actually tasted like chocolate instead of wax – but that’s another complaint. My opinion is that you seem to be trying to scam the public into believing that they are getting a healthier option when in reality all you care about is the bottom line.

You make candy. It’s unhealthy. Fine. Let that be how it is. But, don’t rip off your loyal customers under the guise of trying to help them. Because then they sit next to me and cry, stomp their feet, pout, sigh loudly and complain to me about your product.

I will be posting a copy of this complaint letter, and any reply I get from you, to the website MostRoyal.com.

Thank you,
Jeff

———-

Snickers replied…

Dear Jeff,

In response to your email regarding SNICKERS BRAND.

We appreciate your comments and assure you Mars Chocolate North America remains committed to producing the highest-quality, best-tasting snack food products that provide consumers with exceptional value for their money. Our wholesale prices are commensurate with the costs of all raw materials as well as the many other business costs. For example, today’s prices of cocoa, the basic ingredient for chocolate, are extremely high.

The size of the product was changed in order to hold the retail price steady. This is also directly related to manufacturing and ingredient costs. When you compare the weight of any product of equally high quality, we are confident our candy would cost less per ounce.

Sincerely,

Consumer Care
Mars Chocolate North America

I replied….

Dear Snickers,

Thank you for the thoughtful reply.

In your letter to me you said, “When you compare the weight of any product of equally high quality, we are confident our candy would cost less per ounce.”

I thought I would investigate this further and share my results with you.

I tried to think of what other products would match the high quality of Snickers. In my opinion, there was one product that stood out to me as a perfect match: Manure.

You did say I could compare the weight of any product. And, manure is a high quality organic fertilizer that has proven results for thousands of years.

Since your website based reply form only accepts 1000 characters you will have to read my full study on my website MostRoyal.com. I broke down the prices per ounce. Apparently I have nothing else to do.

I know what you are thinking and yes, I can’t eat the manure. But, I don’t want to eat a King Sized Snickers either. I guess I just don’t like putting shit into my body.

-Jeff

THE DETAILS

A 40 pound bag of old fashioned manure is on sale for $2.96 at the Ace Hardware Superstore website. This was the first result that Google gave me.

This seemed far cheaper than I expected. I’ll go with their retail price of $3.62 just to be safe.

40 pounds equals 640 ounces. Thus making each ounce of manure .006 cents (I rounded up). So, for about a half-cent I can get one ounce of Natural organic yard & garden fertilizer.

When I look up the cost of a King Sized Snickers, I can purchase 24 3.29oz bars for $30.50. This breaks down to $1.27 per bar or $0.39 per ounce.

So, it seems that Snickers was over confident in their price holding up. Manure costs far less.

Why Snickers Vs Manure? Well… If it looks like a turd and tastes like a turd why not compare it to a 40 pound bag of crap.

No Comments by Jeff on March 10, 2010
filed in Food
tagged , , ,

Subway’s Bread Smell

Subway,

Seriously, what’s up with the bread smell? Why do you have to pump that out into the street when I’m walking by?

First, it doesn’t even smell like bread. It smells more like the laundromat when they don’t clean out the lint traps. It is a weird acrid mix of burning felt and fabric softener.

Second, the idea that you use it as a promotional Pavlov’s dog mouth watering tool is both absurd and hilarious. Your bread is the worst garbage I’ve ever consumed in my life. Real bread has a chewy crust and a soft interior. Your bread is more comparable to eating a stack of paper napkins.

People might as well leave their 5-dollar-footlong wrapped in that waxy sandwich paper you roll everything up in. Next time, I think I’ll eat the plastic bag too. That would compliment the smell of the bread nicely.

Finally, you offer like 20 different breads that all taste exactly the same. You really make it a hard to pick between the Honey Oat and the Parmesan/Oregano. They both have that wonderful corrugated box taste.

I tend to go for the Parmesan/Oregano. I guess I just can’t get enough gum arabic. Although sometimes the powdered cellulose in the Monterey Cheddar Bread really hits the spot.

Do you ever plan to offer a bread option that doesn’t smell like chemicals or taste like wood chips? Please let me know.

I am posting a copy of this complaint to the website MostRoyal.com along with any reply I get from you. I hope you can explain to me, and the rest of the world, your theories on baking.

Thank you for your time,
Jeff

No Comments by Jeff on March 5, 2010
filed in Food
tagged , ,

AeroGarden: waste of money [UPDATE]

Dear AeroGarden,

I am really disappointed with your Tomato Seed Kit.

Over the past four weeks, almost five, I’ve followed the directions perfectly; yet, my plants are nowhere near the performance you show in your photos. I would like to think that maybe they are just growing slowly. But, no. Of the pods included, one has died and the others are not far behind.

I previously had the The Gourmet Herb kit
that came with my AeroGarden. The Basil grew great but the chives, mint and parsley withered away shortly after sprouting. I let it pass. At least the basil was performing. Unfortunately, I don’t have anything happening with these Tomatoes. Hold on, something IS happening – THEY ARE DYING!

AeroGarden Tomato Plants

I feel hoodwinked.

I’ve grown herbs and tomatoes in soil my whole life. I had hoped that the AeroGarden would allow me to continue enjoying fresh Herbs and Tomatoes throughout the winter. It doesn’t. You make an awful product. I don’t see why I should ever bother buying more of your overpriced swill. I might as well take my money and stick that in a bucket of water. I have the feeling the success rate would be about the same.
You are scum. You clearly don’t care for your customers. If you did, you would make a product that worked.

I want you to explain yourself. I want you to explain why this problem continues. If I look up reviews of the AeroGarden there is no shortage of people complaining about your system – specifically the tomato plants. Clearly you must know about this problem. You must be proud of the rip off you continue to run. I see no other explanation. Maybe you want to sell me the Brooklyn Bridge too. I guess I am just a sucker.

I will be posting a copy of this complaint letter, including photos of my plants, to the website MostRoyal.com. I want the world to know about your continued failure.

Enjoy,
Jeff

—–UPDATE—–

They wrote me back.

AeroGrow Customer Service customerservice@aerogrow.com
Date: Thu, Mar 4, 2010 at 12:42 PM
subject: RE: Customer Service Inquiry: Seed Kit

Hello Jeff,

Thank you for your email.

Have your contacted Customer Care to get help with your issues?  We guarantee 100% germination if you call within 3 weeks of planting and we are able to offer tips and replacements for plants that are not performing.

Please don’t hesitate to call customer care at 1-800-476-9669 if we can provide further assistance.   Our hours are:  7:00am-6:00pm, M-F, MST.

Thank you.

Jennifer
Customer Care
AeroGrow International, Inc.

I replied with this

Jennifer,

Thank you for sending an obvious form letter. You clearly don’t understand why I wrote to you. Thank you for proving that AeroGarden is run by a bunch of morons.

You asked me if I had contacted “Customer Care.” Are you serious? Isn’t that WHO YOU ARE? You’re email address is customerservice@aerogrow.com and you signed your email to me with the job title “Customer Care.”

Is this a joke? Am I trapped in some Kafka-esque nightmare?

I hope that your ineptitude is just an example of your poor performance as an employee. I would like to have more faith in humanity but it is people like you who slowly chip away at my optimism.

If you had even bothered to read my letter you would know that my plants germinated fine. I guess I could ask for tips about plants that are not performing well. That’s a good idea. I shall ask you now. Jennifer, my plants are not performing well. Can you give me some tips on making them come back from the dead? Should I fill the tank with Holy Water? Maybe you can send Jesus over to my house. That would be great. Thank you.

I will be posting a copy of your response, and this letter back to you, to the website MostRoyal.com.

Keep up the great work!

-Jeff

1 Comment by Jeff on March 2, 2010
filed in Food
tagged , , , ,

Subway’s food is awful.

From my archives. I never got a reply to this. I wonder why?

Dear Frederick A. DeLuca

Once again I was stupid enough to give Subway a chance.

I ordered the foot long Veggie Delight on Honey Oat bread. Disgusting. How do you continue to find ways to ruin what should be an idiot-proof sandwich? Well, I think it is because your staff always seems to be formed out of 40 year old degenerates with snuff film collections and subaverage cognitive functioning.

Worse, your products themselves are of the worst quality I have ever seen. Do you pick your salad out of a dumpster sitting in the New Mexico heat? Let us not forget that the bread tastes like paper fiber. And, why is it that everything you sell tastes like aluminum?

The fact that your mindless employees throw everything together with no respect just seals the deal.

For example, what made my sandwich revolting was that these idiots dumped and literally soaked everything with the dressing I selected. You say the sweet onion dressing is low in calories per serving. Well, not the way these jackals pour it on. When I got back to my office, I unwrapped the sandwich to see it DRIPPING and that the dressing had literally SOAKED THROUGH THE BREAD AND PAPER.

I know that you will never respond to this letter because you don’t have the balls to admit that your product is so poor. You will blame the franchise, the employee, and me. You swine. I wasted money today. In this economy that’s not something I take lightly. Apparently Subway does. No wonder you are a private company hiding in the shadows of Doctor’s Associates Inc.

There is no reason that the food you sell should CONSISTENTLY be this bad from EVERY SINGLE LOCATION I HAVE EVER VISITED.

It’s time you rethink your entire game plan. Take a look at Chipotle. They are able to provide edible food assembled the way I want, by people who are actually nice.

In the meantime, you need to rename your 5-dollar-Footlong campaign to 5-Dollar-Bag-of-Shit. No wonder Jarred lost all that weight. You sell such horrid meals that 90 percent of it ends up in the garbage.

With a bad taste in my mouth,
Jeff

No Comments by Jeff on March 1, 2010
filed in Food
tagged , , ,
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